Heart to Heart with Malvika

Be strong, face tough situations, come out a winner

Dear Malvika,

I am a 20- year- old girl and have been in a relationship with a guy for 3 years now. He is a great guy and I love him and so does he. However, he is very ambitious and goal-oriented and I have pretty average ambitions compared to his, which is not a problem as that is one of the things I like about him, but sometimes I feel like I am not enough for him. Maybe it’s his way of motivating me and it does help at times but sometimes “why can’t you do that? / you should have done that” doesn’t really help a lot when you are feeling down and want to hear “it’s okay”. Everyone loves a hard-working and ambitious person and he is not different. I know he loves me but I feel like if he sees me failing/procrastinating/slacking off at times he might fall out of love. I fear to do things in front of him because I have a fear of failure and not being enough for him and he prefers a girl with an opposite attitude towards life just like everyone else. When I try to talk to him about this, it just doesn’t go through him. He is more of like “find a way to win” or “if you fall, don’t cry just stand up and run”. It’s hard to make him understand that people”cry” too. Most of the times he is right logically so I cannot say a lot to him but it’s mentally and emotionally tiring to always be the best of you. We love each other and are doing great so I don’t want to ruin this relationship by over thinking but I just feel like he’ll find me weak and won’t like me anymore. And also I feel like if I become like him, it won’t be the real me; instead, I’ll just be his substitute. Help me from over-thinking. What should I do?

No two people are the same and your differences are something that I have personally experienced.

See the thing is, to sustain a relationship just love is not enough and sometimes its love that carries forward the differences. As you have mentioned here, there is no problem in the love area, but there is a problem in the motivation area. With ambitious people, failure is not an option. Even if they do, they always find a solution for it. That is obvious optimism. With passive people such as yours, dwelling over the matter and over thinking is what holds you down. And matching that up as a couple is very hard. I feel that this is where you need to seriously sit down with him and have a chat. You need to tell him exactly what you have mentioned here. If this goes on, as per my experience, you will always be bogged down and the relationship will turn bitter. We need to be honest to maintain relationships. But we feel that if we say certain things it will just hamper. On the contrary, expressing your feelings the right way is very important. When you talk to him, do mention that he could be sensitive about your feelings and that you need time to get out of certain situations. Maybe that will help him deal with you in a sensitive way. 20’s are all about exploring who you are as a person, and you are still discovering yourself. So do not be too hard on yourself. Just be you and enjoy what you have at the moment. But do have the talk and be proactive.

Dear Malvika,

I am a 22-year-old girl and new to being an adult. I got my dream job few months ago and now I don’t even feel like going to work. The problem is with my superiors. They ask me for my idea and whenever I do give them my opinion they make a face of disgust at me. And whenever I try to explain my part they ask me to keep quiet. The problem doesn’t stop there; I am further more assigned to other works which doesn’t come under my job description. It’s good that I am given more responsibility but the thing is I am never appreciated for it and they don’t even guide me. How do I solve this problem? Should I quit this place?

The face of disgust has gotten to me. I am wondering what kind of place you are working at. I feel that you will not be able to move ahead in such a negative environment. If you are working at a place, where there is no motivation, guidance and appreciation, then it will bring you down very soon.

Having said that, I have had jobs like these, and when I was faced with such situations, I toughed it out. My vision was clear about what I wanted out of the job. So the best way to handle this situation is by sitting down with your boss, and consulting as to what are you doing wrong and how you can improve. Maybe they do not like your style of working but they do not know how to show it well. Work ethic in Nepal is a developing factor and will take some time. If after sitting down with them and putting forward your problem, nothing good comes out of it, then I believe it shall be time to move on.

Dear Malvika,

I am a 15-year-old girl and for the first time I feel alone. I am one of the top students in my class and active even in extracurricular activities. I am a so called “star” student but I don’t feel that way and have never taken advantage of my image. Few weeks ago, I heard a disgusting rumor about me saying that I often go to staff room to have physical contact with male teachers. I didn’t give it a much thought until a few days ago. I found out that the rumor had spread into my whole batch and now even my so called friends don’t talk to me. I am being bullied. I have no one to sit with even during lunch and people constantly do things to belittle me by calling me names, pushing me in the hall way, sending me inappropriate texts from unknown numbers. I don’t know how to tell this to my parents? I am scared that they will feel disappointed. I am really depressed and lonely. What should I do?

This question takes me back to when I was 16, and a similar rumor had been spread about me in the school. I was sort of dating this senior and he went around telling everyone that we had slept together, which was not true. Since then I too received vulgar phone calls at home, boys started looking at me in a certain way and everyone gossiped about me. Those were very trying times as even my friends did not believe me at all. I was basically regarded a characterless girl. I used to cry a lot and used to feel disgusted about myself without having done anything. One day I met that guy on the street and when I tried to confront him, he ran away. Later he went out of the country and I haven’t seen him since then. But the rumor spread and did not leave me for many years of my 20’s. Back then, a lot of things were different and I didn’t know how to handle the situation. I believed in myself, and moved on with life, no matter how hard it was with the teasing and the bullying. I got bullied in college too because of one guy, and later when I became a celebrity those same people claimed to be my friends. Anyways, I will tell you this, you need to stand up for yourself. First, complain to your principal about your situation, and get to the bottom of things. Request her to bring up the topic of bullying and harassment in school. Confide in your parents, and tell them things as they are. Back when I was 16, I was afraid and alone. But now I don’t want you to feel the same way. Just because there is such a rumor about you, no one has the right to bully you now or ever. Empowerment comes from such situations, and I need you to be strong, face it and come out a winner.

Dear Malvika,

I am a 20-year-old guy. The thing is everything is perfect in my life but I am uncomfortable with how I look. I don’t know if other guys feel the way I do but I am not comfortable with my body weight. I am quite skinny for a guy, it’s not that I don’t eat but I don’t seem to gain any weight. I even consulted a doctor who said everything was fine with me and just told me to eat healthy. I have often been teased for being skinny and I just want to put on some weight. How do I do this?

Everybody has weight and body issues so do not feel you are alone. The best way to beef up is to join the gym. It’s not about eating a lot and putting weight. Certain bodies do not put weight at all. Also, some people are skinny in 20’s and slowly the body starts putting weight in 30’s. So join a gym with a certified instructor. Consult the nutritionist at the gym; many of them have such offers. And six months down the line you should be fine.

Malvika Subba is a media personality, social activist and former Miss Nepal. She is also the CEO of Idea Studio Nepal.

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