Heart to Heart with Malvika

‘Take out time for yourself and live life to the fullest’

Dear Malvika,

I am a 22-year-old woman currently living abroad. Me and my boyfriend work together. We have been together for almost two and a half years. Our relationship went beautifully for one and a half year. But, he doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. He said that he wants to grow and make a good career but I think as we both are in a same profession it’ll be easier for both of us to grow together. I have always been supportive to him and he also supports me but not the way he used to. I know he loves me but he never shows his emotions. He now wants me to move on and wants to see change in me. But it’s really hard for me to move on. It hurts so much to know that he no longer wants me. I have cried a lot and every time I think of him, it reminds me of those beautiful days we spent together which have turned into memories now. I always try to make him understand how I need him but he seems to get irritated and has stopped talking to me now. I feel like dying. What should I do?

Do not die please. It is not worth it. I believe from what I am reading that he is over you and does want to move on. When the essence of the relationship is not there it is best to let go and move on.

Take some time out from this relationship and focus on other things. Be strong. I know it is easier to be in my position and give you advice when you are so heartbroken. But trust me, I have been there. I have cried too. But when the other person does not want to be with you at all then sometimes it’s best to let go. Give him some time. If he misses you, then he will come back. Otherwise it’s best to move on. So what you need to do is go out with your girlfriends. Go on a vacation, treat yourself and take some time out. Do not be in touch and don’t cry in front of him. Show him that you can have a life without him. If one person does not want you then why make yourself feel worthless. You are not.

You can be better off without him. And I know you will feel better with time. Time is a great healer. So take out time for yourself and live life to the fullest. Never let anyone make you feel less, ever.

Dear Malvika,

I am 24-year-old woman seeking for marriage advice. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4 years now. We both live in the US. We both work in the IT field and have a good career. He is a very loving and caring man. I cannot imagine my life without him. But the problem is, he is a Newar and I am a Brahmin. My family does not accept him just because he is from a different caste. I have met his family and we do have conversation now and then and it seems like they have accepted me. I have been trying to convince my parents to meet my boyfriend since last 2 years but let alone meeting, they don’t want me to talk to him at all. I live with my family. Now, my mom is forcing me to talk to another guy so we can get married soon. How should I go from here? Please suggest me.

Be strong about this. This is your life we are talking about. Convincing Nepali parents for inter-caste marriage is very difficult. But it is also not right to get married to someone else for anyone. You are the one who has to deal with a stranger once you get married. And I apologize for what’s coming next, but you are just 24. Why do you want to get married so fast? Marriage is not the answer to everything. And it’s takes a lot of effort. You are still peaking at your career and there is a long way to go. If in your heart and mind, your boy friend is the one, then darling you have to make tough decisions. And I cannot tell you here that this or that decision will make it better for you. I can just tell you to have courage and follow what you want out of life. And see through it. Make sure that you are clear about certain cultural issues with your guy. Newars are very traditional and cultural, and marrying a Newar family who is so, is not easy. If you can adjust to their culture then yes it should not be difficult for you. Someone will get hurt in the end but time changes everything.

Dear Malvika,

I am a 15-year-old, SEE appeared student. My father lives abroad and my mother is a house wife. I rarely talk to my father. Whenever anybody visits him he always feels disappointed with me. My father went abroad when I was very young. I do miss him and love him but the only thing is I feel shy to call or text him. I understand how my father is struggling hard to be able to send me to a good school, but still I find it hard to communicate with him. I don’t feel secure to talk to him. My mom often scolds me for not talking to him. Just few days back I sent a friend request to my father over Facebook and he accepted it. And yet I have no courage to text him or even write him a casual hello. What should I do?

Maybe it’s not because of you. Maybe it’s because of the non communication he has had with you that has led you to feel this way. The distance for one makes it awkward. Does he call you, has he told you he loves you and misses you? If he does not do this quite often then you are right in feeling this way. And just by scolding you doesn’t make you feel the emotions or feelings for someone. But at the same time, the essence of growing up is to have the courage to face your fears, and things you do not want to do. So get that phone, and type hello and see where it goes from there. It’s okay to feel anxious and awkward. But you cannot go on like this. If this is how you feel at the moment, then make sure that you get out of it too. It’s that one step which needs a lot of courage. After that it will be much easier. So, good luck.

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Dear Malvika,

I have been in a relationship with a guy for 4 years. We met in medical school and we both are doctors now. I really love him. He has been the apple of my eye for all these years. After finishing school I moved to my hometown. He is now busy preparing for his postgraduate. We had issues since the beginning. The issue is that I am too much in love with him but I feel that he doesn’t love me the way I do. He never shows his affection and never makes me feel special. He has never talked about our future. I hardly get those cute ‘miss u’ n ‘love u’ texts. At times, he is rude. He is a difficult man to understand. But I am comfortable with him. With him, I feel the whole world is in my favor. The problem is that I feel so dissatisfied. Few days back, he was so frustrated about his studies that he told me that he has no interest in anything else other than his postgraduate preparation. So, I took a decision to not bother him and leave him on his own. He doesn’t understand that I am sensitive about him, his words and it hurts me. I have stopped talking to him since few days and he hasn’t yet called me back. So did I make a right decision or should I give some more chances to our relationship?

When you look back at your relationship and all you can think of how hurt you have been, how you have been taken for granted and how dissatisfied you are, then, you have the answers to your own questions. But the thing is men are from Mars and women from Venus. And that is where all the clashes happen. Most men do not know how to show love, and that is a different chapter all together.

If you want undying, ‘I can’t live without you’ and romantic kind of love, then he probably cannot give you that. So what you are doing now is good. Give him what he wants and let him focus on his studies. He does deserve that. And medicine takes up all the concentration one can get. Give it a few weeks and see how it goes. Just be normal about it and if he calls you, talk to him properly. After his exams, if he still seems to be the same person, then girl, you have some decisions to make.

Malvika Subba is a media personality, social activist and former Miss Nepal. She is also the CEO of Idea Studio Nepal.

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